Tag Archives: writing

My new love affair

5 Sep

I’m not afraid to admit it, I have a new love.  I thought my heart was full to the brim, I mean I’ve got a great partner, I’ve bred some wonderful human beings who love me and are still happy to be seen in public with me.  So of course I thought there was no room in my big ol’ heart but then he came through our front door.

It’s not quite as Mills and Boons as it sounds,  I spent many arduous hours in front of the laptop doing research  and after hand picking him at the store I lugged him to the car.   But then he was here, in our house and as soon as he was fully operational I knew there was no turning back.  So what is this object of desire?   This thing that has brought my heart to near bursting point?   (insert dramatic pause) …….  Robovac, that’s right my robotic vacuum, oh yeah this little round piece of loveliness with cameras and sensors has only been with us  ten months but I love him and never want him to leave.

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If, like me, you have a marauding crowd who run through your house thinking the floor is some kind of alternate bin then you too will love this little round whizzy  robot.    With no questions asked, no whining, no selective hearing he  just starts doing his thing.   He’s small and powerful and as his proud mother I’m just going to have to tell you how smart he is, we went all supremo and got the top Robovac model so this little lad is so smart he can take himself back to the docking station and empties the crap he picked up off the floor into the unit.  It truly is miraculous he starts the job and finishes it and with no breaks, just gets on with it with little if no fuss.

I’ve always thought the people featured on those infomercials must be medicated, I mean seriously who could be that excited about any of those products.  But that was before Robovac now if someone turned up to my house and wanted to film me while Robovac was doing his thing I would enthusiastically blubber on about how he has transformed my life as well.  I remember once when I was reading a book on the couch and he whizzed past and I couldn’t help but let out a little “I love you” to him.

So here’s to you lovely Robovac and again I’ll share my intimate thoughts about you, I already posted this to him on facebook at Valentines Day but I guess it never hurts to reiterate those important feelings so …

I’d like to tell the world how much I appreciate all the hard work, the dedication and the way you make my life just that little bit easier, that’s right I love you robot vacuum. And to the four lads I have making the mess that Robovac cleans up each day, hugs and smooches this Valentines Day xx

Maybe your heart is full of love for a partner, kids, dogs, cats or Star War figures, whatever fills it with joy just remember something can come into your life and just push it to the brim!

Cess Pools, otherwise known as Public Swimming Pools

30 Mar

Living in a country that practically makes it illegal not to spend your summer near some form of water I sigh with relief as another hot summer seems to disappear. There are a few reasons I’m not that crash hot on the summer months. The first would be plain old vanity, my lily white skin is, lets face it, not in vogue and when you’re talking to people at the beach and you realize they’re squinting and shading their eyes when they already have sunglasses on, you become aware that your blindingly white canvas is reflecting way too much light. Of course I live in some hope that one day my freckles will gloriously just join together as one and form the perfect tan.

Other problems of significance (!) is the never ending quest for the perfect bathers, I’ve studied all the articles they put in magazines and papers at the start of all summer seasons about the perfect bathers for your shape. I think the one thing they fail to realize is once you’ve had a few kids your body has been stretched; pummeled then unceremoniously flung to the kerb (like a Christmas tree on January first) it’s not as easy as just choosing one style of bathers. I have to do more of a cut and paste of each body type and let me tell you that leaves me with a very strange looking pair of bathers!

So cry me a river, my super model days are over before they even began, lack of tanning pigment and bathers aside there is one more thing and probably the thing I dread about the summer months the most. The public pool, I can’t pinpoint the moment I started hating them, I know my vitriol started years ago and before I had kids the public pool and I pretty much just avoided each other. However after I produced a few human beings especially one with boundless energy and a desire to go into any hole filled with water I realized I could avoid it no more. Being the dutiful mother I rang around and secured a prize Saturday morning swimming lesson spot for first child. Being the dutiful mother with an aversion to public swimming pools I packed up baby and Dad and sent them on their way. Problem solved or so I thought until more children appeared and husband informed there are only so many back-to-back lessons he can do before his skin starts shriveling. I would have to share the load and venture in the pool, aargh!

I tried very hard to hide my disgust for the luke warm swill I stood in with my baby as we sang ridiculous songs and ooh and aahed at how clever they were to stand on the side of the pool and jump in. In my mind the only clever thing my baby should have done is run to the nearest shower or disinfectant gel. I endured enough lessons to make sure my little piece of happiness wouldn’t automatically sink to the bottom and nearly high fived the instructor when she said it was time for them to have lessons on their own.

Of course the pool is more than just swimming lessons so as the kids got bigger they asked and asked until we took them to the local indoor swimming pool. Now the one good thing I will say about public pools is if you’re having some self esteem issues you just need to pop along to your local pool. Regrettably I have been to a few different pools now and lets just say compared to 90% of the people there you’re going to look amazing because I don’t know where they come from or go to but most pool patrons have decided most of the common laws of grooming and general presentation standards don’t apply to them and really haven’t for a very long time! I know it’s pretty harsh but I swear next time you’re at a pool have a look around, I think you’ll find I’m pretty accurate!

So public pools are not my favourite place but I knew I had got to a place where I basically had to suck it up because my minions couldn’t be deprived because of me. It didn’t take long for me to get a reminder of why I call them cess pools. The family trundled off to the local inside pool, I took the toddler and wandered around with baby clinging to me like a koala, so much for all the expensive swimming lessons I thought! I noticed from the corner of my eye my hubby powering through the water towards us. As he got closer his expression and colour drained face told me that something was wrong. All forms of tragedies flicked through my mind before he was able to reach me and fear glued me to the spot I was in.

Even though I knew something was wrong I was pretty confident we hadn’t been there long enough for a kidnapping or drowning so I stood and waited. He said nothing and directed me over to the side of the pool where I found our other kids
standing bewildered. It turns out my husband had been having fun splashing around only to move his feet and stand on something. I bet your first thought was band aid, no that’s gross but this was grosser, no it wasn’t a pooh that had escaped from a sagging nappy either. It was a used tampon, used, I gag just thinking about it and luckily I didn’t see it. Okay so public swimming pools had just sunk to a new low in my estimation but the bigger thing to think about it is this. How would you not notice a tampon fall out? I mean what kind of bowling alley have you got down there!!!!

Now let me just admit that my family is not above reproach in these things, we too have contributed to the cess pool. I’ve been sitting dutifully at the pools edge admiring one of my kids while they’re learning to swim. I’m dazzled by their skills and warmed by their enthusiasm only to be repulsed by the neon gob hanging out of their nose as they turn around to smile at me proudly. I motion for them to come to me as I desperately search for a tissue in my bag, by the time I look up I notice they’ve fixed that problem their way, snot it off in the water. I sit their gagging and trying not to notice the kids in the next lane putting their heads in and out of the water down stream of where the snot must have gone.

So bring on the cold weather, throw that ill-fitting pair of swimmers to the back of the wardrobe and pull the covers over the outdoor cesspools. My loved ones and I have survived another summer stewing in all manner of microrganisms and because we’re dumb creatures of habit we will be doing it all again next summer!

Fashion – the price I pay

18 Feb

I thought I’d lived through enough fashion trends to know which to avoid but lately I’ve been reminded of how much I still have to learn.

For reasons I know I will regret in probably only a few years, who am I kidding probably months I have taken to wearing long skirts and dresses. I don’t mean past your knee, or even stopping mid calf, no, I have delved right down past the ankles and before I pay to have it rehemed, right pass my feet and draping all over the ground. I’m presently under some illusion/delusion that ground skimming skirts and dresses make me look longer therefore leaner, as I stated, delusional!

Anyway I’m happy to live in my delusion, quite frankly I think I’m rocking it and until I catch a glimpse of myself in a store window or see a photo someone takes of me and I’m snapped back into reality I’m going to continue rocking my floor length dresses and skirts. So clearly confidence is not my issue.

My issue is that I am a virtual walking safety hazard, I have come perilously close to face planting myself after getting my feet all caught up in the the material swirling around my feet. All this wonderful excess fabric falling stylishly to the floor looks fantabulous when I’m not moving but once that foot moves and the other has to follow it all becomes a matter of when and not if I’m going to topple.

Loved ones and total strangers have all saved me in the last few weeks from a complete tumble. It sounds quaint and honourable but it’s more like me grabbing them as I squeal and lurch forward and most don’t, ok none, have had time to offer assistance it’s more thrust upon them as I fall.

I also have to restrict myself to sealed roads and pavements because if I swirl through grass or vegetation I unknowingly collect on my floor skimming skirt or dress much of the vegetation I just passed through. It took a while for it to click that the scratchy, rough feeling I had at the bottom of my rockin new outfit was prickles and grass, by the time I checked it out I practically had my own eco system going on down there!

Sure I’ll look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking, much like the bubble skirt, the spiral perm and the layered top look, actually the layered look I think has still got a bit more mileage. Anyhoo the point I make is that I am a living, stumbling example of a woman who still has a bit more to learn about the price she will pay for fashion.