Coffee Snob

14 Jul

I was a bit of a johnny come lately to the coffee scene.  My far more cultured friends and I were meeting for catchups in the booming café scene and one day I noticed I was the only one without a glass of caramel coloured liquid in front of me.  While my friends had perfected their coffee order; flat white, latte, decaf, weak, strong, skinny, full cream etc, etc, the most challenging question I had to answer was whether I wanted one or two marshmallows!  That’s right I was still chugging down the not so chic hot chocolate and I realized it was time I stepped up to the adults table and order me some caffeine.

 

This was all BC, before children, so the need for a regular coffee stimulant wasn’t really there, I mean if I was tired I just went and took a nap!  So it wasn’t really a need for a caffeine jolt that made me take the leap I just wanted to seem less like the prepubescent nerd and more like one of the cool kids sipping on caffeine.

 

So I ordered a latte, mostly because that seemed the more popular choice and as an added bonus it came with a pretty white serviette wrapped around it.  Apparently in the early days of drinking lattes our fingers were all too delicate for this hot beverage in a glass and had to be protected by a paper serviette wrapped around the middle of it!  Not sure what happened to the serviette, maybe our fingers hardened up from daily coffees, maybe we realized we were wiping out rainforests by wrapping paper products around glasses that were really, more than adequate in protecting our digits.  Anyhoo I thoroughly enjoyed my first coffee, it helped that I added three heaped teaspoons of refined sugar thus making it more of a sweet syrup than a real coffee.

 

As I said that was BC, after we entered the breeding program our daily coffee intake seemed to skyrocket and seemed to be as essential as the air we breathed.  By the time we had produced our third bundle of joy we had “invested” in a coffee machine at home.  That poor machine didn’t stand a chance, we wore it out and then we wore another one out and with this one we’re hoping three times a charm!  Time will tell.

 

Now that our munchkins are older we also like to go out for coffee but we don’t leave it to chance, oh no we have become such coffee snobs that we research where we should get a coffee!  If we find ourselves in some suburb we’re not familiar with we consult our coffee handbook!  To us it’s our go to guide, pages and pages of reviews and descriptions, we have become such a slave to it’s recommendations that we dare not try any place that is not listed in our guide!

 

Our city’s paper even has a part in their Tuesday’s epicure lift-out devoted to coffee and I religiously turn to it each week.  Sure I don’t know my Ethiopian blend from my eco friendly Jamaican co-op blend but I love that there are people who do.  What stopped my love affair in its tracks was an article about baristas and certain cafes starting to draw the line at particular orders.  A few have decided not to do soya milk in coffees any more, it ruins the integrity of the blend, blah, blah, blah.  Say what!!  I don’t want to go all home girl ghetto but just make my coffee the way I like it, if I want to ruin it with soya milk let me pay the privilege for it, oh that’s right I already do because soya milk is always charged more anyway!!!!

 

The other clanger that quite a few cafes have decided on is only one size, again supposedly done for the convenience of the paying customer, apparently we’re all so desperate with caffeine addiction that we can’t wait another couple of minutes if someone ahead of us wants to order a large size coffee.

 

So this is what it has come too, you get us all addicted to your smooth, gloriously satisfyingly wonderful blends, you publish guides, columns in newspapers, you have apps, expos, there are even tours, (yes I’m desperate to do one of these), you do all this and then you change the rules.  You even suckered us in with cool and friendly baristas, if you’re as easily pleased as me you’d love the uber cool dude or dudette who remembers your order and just starts making it.  I have been reeled in hook, line and sinker and now I have been thrown to the kerb with my large takeaway cup and soya milk.

 

If I was strong, if I had principles, if I wasn’t a slave to the coffee bean I’d just go home and brew myself a satisfying pot of peppermint tea.  Unfortunately I am weak so I will meekly go and order my regular size latte with regular milk and sure I will savour the taste and enjoy the experience but I want all the hipster baristas to know this  –  you may have won this time but somehow, somewhere I might just, probably think of some way to grab back the power.  Of course all my better ideas come to me after a coffee so I will just go and get a coffee…… doooh!!!!!

 

 

3 Responses to “Coffee Snob”

  1. jennsmidlifecrisis July 14, 2013 at 8:48 pm #

    I’m a tea granny all the way, but like you, have celebrated those who have invested time and money into learning more and sharing their wisdom. I have a favourite place…where I can order an XL Steeped Tea…black! Pure, unadulterated steaming liquid nectar! (The XL is only 7.5″ tall) There’s even a picture here – sometimes I just stare at it…http://jennsmidlifecrisis.wordpress.com/2012/11/09/xl-please/

  2. Rhino House July 15, 2013 at 12:25 pm #

    3 Words for the true coffee snob. “Jamaica Blue Mountain.” It tastes like angels dancing on your tongue.

    • Ramblings of a Quickwit August 7, 2013 at 11:55 pm #

      Thanks, I will definitely take this on board, who could resist angels dancing on your tongue!

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